The Chulip Experiment: Part 1

There are rare instances in life where you find something so insane, so against the reasoning that man has fought thousands of years to build a civilization around that it simply must be observed and documented.  It is like watching a turkey, which is on fire, fly on wings made of music to fight the forces of Communism’s mothers.  If that could take the form of a game it would be Chulip, and it would be about a young boy who has to travel through a town filled with Japanese nightmares kissing them as he goes.

I have decided that I must make every effort possible to chronicle this unreason, and play it till completion or until I simply go insane and start writing on my wall in feces.

Chulip starts with a nice little scene where a boy manages to name himself in front of a faced/talking tree.  A girl suddenly shows up and he is forced to name her as well.  Their master and possibly divine ruler commands them to kiss, and as two that fear for their lives and anything that has the face of a human and a body of a large oak tree, they do.

Now this ends up all being a dream, oddly not the tree thing because that is real, but the young boy –who I named after myself– and his dream girl kissing were not.  It seems that he and his father are so poor that they had to move to the country so the old man could do nothing besides command his son around to catch as many strains of STDs passed through kissing as possible. I guess the only logical choice that faced this poor child is to slowly work his way up the social ladder and kiss everything that he comes into contact with.

Kissing everything is a rather tall order too, because it can seemingly range from people of the town to literal monsters.  The first thing that this poor, tortured boy is even allowed to kiss is some kind of human/onion hybrid that is so despised by the other mutants in the area–that already live in the sewers– that she is forced to live in the ground below their homes in some kind of Upper Mantle riddled shame.  Either these sewer people are making fun of this small child and his poverty or they are testing him for what comes next.

Normally I would comment about how this entire experience is like a fever dream riddle with the world’s strongest and most dangerous hallucinogens, but I think that it may be more important to worry about the sanity of the people who made this game instead.  At the start of the game, for a long enough time that several hours into it I am still in this section, the only people that the human child is allowed to kiss are the many abominations that walk the streets–which clearly doesn’t come from a healthy mind– and the only person that the is able to hand out love advise, instead of a parent, is the human head on two legs with a paintbrush on top.

So either this is social commentary on how the poor are treated when they move into a new area, the child’s only source of income is digging through trashcans to find what others have thrown away (and this town oddly throws a lot of poop and frying pans away), or it is about how a young adolescent mind can snap when he is transported to a new area–possibly because a girl who he has fallen in love with rejects him– and how he must climb his way back to sanity.  I would defend this, although I am sure that the game is just insane instead of trying to mean something, by saying something along the lines that the boy and his father are the only normal looking ones and that the boy has to make contact with the most odd looking outcasts that he can find to work his way up the social ladder to prove his worth and once again regain his sanity.

Also there is a man in gimp clothing tied to the roof in the hospital that gives yoga lessons in the evening.

Trying to give this game a meaning is pretty pointless, unless the lesson is that earning the right to make out with a train conductor allows you to ride the rails for free.  If children in America go through the phases in High School where they draw dicks on things to make them funny the Japanese go through that same thing, but instead they try to use their drawings to make grown men cry in fear. The gameplay itself is some odd experiment in punishment as the core mechanics aren’t every really explained and need to be learned from dying repeatedly.

Every creature that is kissed in the game is some kind of messed up and deformed Rubix cube, and while some of them only really require knowing where to find them and the loops that need to be jumped through to kiss monsters others only appear at a very certain time of day under specific conditions.  Even though it sounds like something a rapist would mutter under his breath, all of the targets normally end up being angry and must be approached slowly and wait for them to become calm before one can kiss them.

I guess it turns out that most of these underworld mutants are the local teachers, only most of them have all left their jobs or stopped going because they weren’t getting paid due to lack of students.  From what I gather the head with a paintbrush on it is the President or Principal or something, and the telephone pole with a face is possibly one of the teachers that hasn’t been paid in a while.  This lack of funds causes him to steal a letter writing set that was promised to our hero, although only if his heart could become strong enough to use it– which I think is supposed to only happen at the end of the game so it doesn’t really affect him for a while.

Oh, turns out that no one in the town and solve their own issues.  Guess this poor, mistreated, malnourished boy is going to go taking train rides with strangers with garbage pail heads to help out.  What is it with Japan and endangering their youth?


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About the author

gillman

Melting faces off with a kind of awesome high rocking power that can only be described through Monster Trucks since 2003. Going through the continuing effort to create new, better, more interesting and joke-funnying content the entire time. I own the site. I know, hard to believe
  • Stark

    Townslut, lol. Why was this game made?

    • I totally named her that. She was “the most popular girl” in a town that based popularity by “kissing the most people”. It seemed like the proper name

  • Josh keable

     Mike destroyed that game. I don’t know why. I didn’t think it was good by any means.