VARMS.NET PROUDLY PRESENTS!!! PANTHERS!

Panthers are cool, we all know this.  What you might not know is that the truest form of most entertainment is done in 8-bit; or 16 if you have a nice TV like the movie stars out in New York City do.  The problem is that due to constant government downsizing it has gotten harder and harder to find good panther based 8-bit entertainment.

Worry no more.

Through the constant use of Science and my brain I have come up with a way to finally create an interactive medium powered solely by panthers.  My plan is to use the newest in pixel manipulation technology and create an experience that we can all enjoy, together, at once.  Not only will I harness the powers of the intranet so that people are able to “chat” in an almost live “room”—as a 30 second delay between text based statements is required by the fastest computers to process with these graphics at present—but people will be able to control their panthers as they go about their day.

Wonder no more what a Panther does while shopping, ponder at nothing but amazement while a panther does its taxes, watch dreamily as your own panther avatar sleeps.  The greatest aspect of all is that you, the game-play-inducer, control all of these actions.  Do you want your best animal friend to eat cereal or live gazelle for breakfast?  The choice, control, and success—or failure—of your glimmering beast rest on you alone.

We have been tirelessly researching every aspect of this game since 2003, and more than 15 of our finest researchers gave their lives to find out just how well a panther can fit into a suit and drive a car.  People throughout the world said that we were insane and that our actions could be considered “terrorism” for repeatedly releasing hungry tigers into public areas/schools/grocery stores, but we beat those war crime charges and we will beat everyone’s expectations about how much complete enjoyment can be captured by the human senses.

You might even be wondering, how many panthers were harmed during this—as most of our readers are from PETA so that gives them the right to know. We could proudly say only 1, and that was only after a fairly large researcher meal when an artificial limb from one of our former employees hurt the poor guy.  Don’t worry though, the vet said he is in great shape and will recover soon.

The game should be coming out right before Christmas.  It will retail with a MSRP of only 9.99 Lira and have a 99.99 a month fee every month after.  There is no cancelation choice, although we have included as many micro-transactions as we could find, so now the best hats in the world can be yours, for a large price.

About the author

gillman

Melting faces off with a kind of awesome high rocking power that can only be described through Monster Trucks since 2003. Going through the continuing effort to create new, better, more interesting and joke-funnying content the entire time. I own the site. I know, hard to believe