Incredible Crisis has somewhat of a history in the obscure gaming community; which is a thing, I promise.  Being one of the first fully insane Japanese games to be translated and receive a domestic release people kind of went out of their way to latch onto it.  The game proper is pretty much just a Wario Ware rip off.  The one thing that separates Incredible Crisis from other mini-game collections is the common story that links the games together.  Although in all fairness it is the kind of story that an insane person would scrawl on their way with fecal matter.

The first chapter follows Taneo, a Japanese Salary man.  His first mini game is a simple rhythm dance session.  The first time that I played this game I learned two things: I had the button mapped incorrectly on my controller, and the characters solution to becoming too stressed is to have a nervous breakdown.  It seems that the entire family shares this response, which makes me greatly worry for the future of Japan if all you have to do to make them crack is throw in hot women in red dresses and force the office to dance, although that does sound a little like hell.

After the painful office dance session a giant stone globe crashes off the roof and chases Taneo, and him only, through two mini games.  The first is him running down a hallway and trying to dodge random crap lying about, and is pretty uninteresting.  The second game is when he finally reaches the elevator, and the stone globe crashes down on the top of it.  He must then press the stop button over and over again to stop the elevator from crashing to the ground, because we all know hitting an elevators button repeatedly causes it to listen HARDER, while dodging what appears to be all of the junk that people in 70’'s from New York City threw out their apartment windows.  This is also where I started to hate Taneo and his cursed life.

The entire time there is an indicator of how far until the player reaches ground level.  This doesn't matter as regardless of how close you are the game assumes it stopped instantly and shows a cinematic of the player being exploded, yes exploded, from near the top of the building.  Don't worry as a terrible balancing mini game, that seemingly cannot be failed, stops Taneo's death.  As to mock us all he ends up falling off the pole directly after finishing the game.  The stone globe then appears again, after it seemed able to take the elevator, but unfortunately does not kill him.  Please release that Taneo has lightening quick reflexes and the ability to keep cool during cut scenes, but when mini game breaks out he will freak out like a guest on Jerry Springer. 

This is where the game stops attempting to make sense.

Taneo is knocked out by falling NYC garbage and rushed to the ER by the world's worst EMTs.    Unsure if the breathing person with a heartbeat is alive they ask yes/no questions that range from easy, "2+2=4", to insane, "Lila is the Currency of Greece".  The player has to answer 10 questions correctly, in a row, to pass this stage.  This can either be stupidly easy or impossible, as the game will ask the same exact question repeated or throw out complex math questions that require degrees and calculators to solve.  This section expects all questions to be answered in 3 seconds. Upon passing these tests they celebrate Taneo not being dead by throwing the stretcher Taneo is on out of the moving ambulance and onto the highway.   I can't blame them, I hate him too. 

This leads to a mini game of dodging traffic and road hazards.  Due to the PS1's very limited draw distance it ends up feeling more like a test of one's ability instantly react to new stimulus than a game.  Failing to dodge one of these objects causes the stretcher to go out of control and run into more things, causing it to lose control again and making it impossible to ever gain control again. Thankfully, for the only time in the game, Taneo has so much health making it is impossible to fail.  He is stopped only by the giant stone globe, which at this point I just assumed is stalking him for death killing reasons. Then, for some why the hell not, the lady who forced him to dance at the start of the game appears and takes him to a fair...

Only to make him ride a Ferris wheel with her and make her orgasm.  This is done through text prompts of where to move Taneo's hands and then jamming on the X button until she tells you to move again.  You know, just like real sex. Oh, by the way, Taneo is a married man. The game is completed when she moans loudly and fireworks go off in the background.  She then plants a bomb in the cart and jumps on a helicopter.

You read that last part correctly.  Less than an hour in and they are trusting the game design to the guy from Memento. 

Taneo is blasted out of the wheel and onto the windshield of the helicopter.  For some reason that eludes science this causes the weight to be thrown off causing it to crash.  The lady in red jumps out, and Taneo follows and grabs on as she releases her parachute.  She then calls him a pervert, the man with whom she just had sex with, and starts to kick him off.  Sure, I guess this entire chunk makes sense if you hate women.

Taneo, who once again shows that he can live through anything that the player isn't controlling, lands safely and is instantly thrown into another challenge. The mini game is to shoot down all of the missiles that are flying at a UFO, because at this point it makes as much sense as anything else that has happened.  Any plot that is given at this point is just explaining why the UFO is a mother ship and not a giant flying SIMON.

Of course the turret explodes at the end, because explosions hate Taneo as much as giant stone globes and me.  He lands in a fisherman's boat and promptly causes it to start sinking.  This is only notable because nothing is chasing Taneo, and nothing explodes.  Also it is the last mini game of the chapter. 

When he reaches shore Taneo takes the subway home, oddly the lady in red has cut the break to the train.  No reason for this is given, although Taneo does scream "What the $%#@?" before being thrown towards his doom.  He lives, but sadly shows back up at home.

The rest of Incredible Crisis is based around the rest of the family, but after playing the first area of the wife I gave up.  Mainly because I have no idea what to do.  Look at the above picture, does anything you see make sense?  No.  End of Review.