The New Wife Agro System

Some of you will notice that of late we have a new grading system on the site.  I like to call it the “Wife agro system”.  For me this basically describes how angry my significant other got while I was playing/reviewing something.  I implemented it so that my feelings on things would be easy to read and well know, but also so that when I am eventually murder by my wife you know exactly the series of game choices that led to it.  Hopefully this can at the very least save some people out there from video game related slaughters by loved ones.

1. 1star alone

The image of a happy woman.  For the pure sake of argument I should probably point out that Veronica (the woman I married) is never this happy about anything that I do.  Ever.  Based on the joy in her eyes I would go so far as to say this resembles someone else’s wife and not the one that I know and love.  I guess the argument could be made that a game that was given this ranking was so bad I became a better husband because it made me never want to play games ever again and thus the adoring female.

2.When she thinks you are using your cellphone to prove her wrong

In my mind I refer to this one as, “are you trying to prove me wrong on Wikipedia” grade.  This is when one really isn’t that highly involved enough in a game to draw the full aggression, but has just enough that they have noticed us constantly being on a phone or computer. Most of the time cellphone games rank in this area resulting in me not actively taking part in whatever adventure she thinks is happening and she is aware of that, but unsure why.  The above comment about Wikipedia was from one such advent where I simply agreed and allowed things to drop instead of letting on that I wasn’t even listening in the first place.

3.3star alone

This is where I think my wife is most of her life, why she continues to love me is anyone’s guess (I like to believe that she constantly uses the wrong dosage on the poison and I have simply built up a resistance.).  With my buying and playing habits of games it is enough that it annoys her that I am using the TV instead of letting her watch Downton Abbey or something equally not video games.  Generally I get this face a ton with the “just a couple more minutes” line while attempting to blow her off and play a game instead of paying attention.  Please notice the hint of sadness in her eyes as she has realized that, on some level, this is a little her fault too.

4.4star alone

This is the kind or reaction that a game should get from my wife.  See the seething rage?  See how she is about to start bringing up my short comings and stupid things that I did just weeks after we met?  This is the game that completely reducing my marriage to my wife being infuriated at me for completely avoiding basic attempts at human contact.  This isn’t a divorce or attempted murder, because I think that she still thinks there is hopes of “fixing” things.  This is the moment that she has decided to stop being nice, but also knows that she can still break the game disc if needed.

5.5star alone

The things that were said about number 4 no longer apply.  I am either going to be murdered in my sleep or very publicly as she calls her friends over to watch the terrible and horrible things that she does to my once life filled body.  It doesn’t matter, a game that ranks at level five means that I won’t even leave the front of the television during the assault.  When the police come to question her she will get off on the technicality that the jails have become over run with women who did the same thing and they simply can’t be bothered with it anymore.

Comic: Please Enunciate

varms-annunciate

There is an issue with PCB’s in the northeast since GE dumped them in some of the rivers in the area more than half a century ago.  Every time there is a news story about it I get excited about it thinking that at first it is going to be about a guy punching through walls and making people on bath salts look weak.  Then, for the briefest moment I think it might be about video games.  Finally I figure out that it is the sad, cancer causing, one.  It is like the stages of grief, but also involved two steps of false hope before being disappointed and losing interest.

-Gillman

No White Knight Needed

My main complaint with the state of video game journalism is that every single thing that is reported is mainly reactionary.  When the new voice for Lara Croft was shown people said it was the worst impression of an English accent they had ever heard.  That voice actress turns out to be English born, from England—the birthplace of Dr. Who, crumpets, and English accents.  The problem is how the success of news and articles has begun to be gauged, you need to be first and you need to get the most hits.  This has led to an epidemic of half assed reporting, complete lack of corrections, and sensationalization that would make Jerry Springer call foul.

The best example of this process can clearly be seen with the various articles popping up around the net about the objectification of women in the gaming industry.

In truth all mediums of entertainment objectify everything that is involved, from movies to video games people want an idealized view of what their heroes look like. Sadly that is just how imagination works.  Picturing Lara Croft as a fantastically breasted college girl going wild on some island that time forgot to allow technology on is not only a concise synapsis of most  Tomb Raider fan fiction, but by nature of how entertainment mediums work, also something that was bound to be turned into a video game.

Due to the aforementioned reasons that everything reported online sucks it seems to be the nature of everyone involved to just expect the worst out of everything that could possibly go wrong.  When it was announced that a game may contain an attempted rape scene it was instantly assumed that it would be handled poorly and be the single thing that ends all video games as we know them.  Yes, it is a delicate subject; that does not mean that everyone who is making this experience is actively out to make the most offensive experience known to organic life.

When it comes right down to it most gamers don’t really care that much about booth babes or attractive women in video games, if they did things like The Guy Game or Playboy the Game would be on their 90th edition having sold billions of copies.  Instead we have games like Tetris, random Nintendo games, and Call of Duty being the top selling titles.  When it comes down to it gamers just care about the games themselves and women don’t need random internet personalities trying to be their White Knights.