Study Finds Zombies Impossible, Vampires Real

Fans of the living dead brain eaters should take another look at their past time, as science has recently proven that things rising up from the dead to attack the living is not only impossible but is also stupid.  The study was conducted over the last five years and scientists and their interns claim that, “[they] have tried just about everything to make this corpse eat our flesh, it just ain’t biting though.”  Fans of Dracula should rejoice, because through their mainly experiment they seemed to have found out how to become a Vampire.

“The off-shoot of the Vampire research was just something that blew our minds; it wasn’t even anything we did.  It turns out that lasers fired at the correct frequency annoy them greatly, we wouldn’t have known if a group of them hadn’t come into the lab last week and asked us to stop.”  The last seven days of research has turned out that the Twilight series of books is the only correct one, as all vampires are super human creatures that have no disadvantage of being.

When the lead teenage boy was asked why they haven’t bestowed the gift on more people he simply replied, “Because screw you, that is why.  Isn’t it enough that you know lasers are passingly almost annoying to us?  That is all we had left after the amazing movie Breaking Dawn.”

Source: April Edition

Science Discovers Method to See Around Corners

Researchers at MIT recently developed a method to see objects around corners.  This method uses lasers, a camera, and a computer to detect and analyze how light is reflected from walls to “see” an object around them.  The images delivered by the system are low resolution, and inferior to what the human eye can pick up in a direct line of sight.

The researchers behind this simply claim it’s applications are for anything that requires seeing something outside of the normal line of sight.  Unfortunately, there is probably someone high up in the military already drooling over this thing.  Even worse, what happens if they decide to attach this thing to the robots being built by military research grants?