Tangential Study on Video Games Implies Correlation with Behavior

So you have some grant money, but doing real research is super hard.  Instead you blow all the money on hookers and cocaine, then use unpaid interns and hand out surveys to high school students instead of really looking into anything.  Those that fill it out, I guess you make the interns look into their school records—or if you are super lazy just take them at their word.  Congratulations, you have not finished every study that has ever been done about violent games impacting behavior of minors!

The newest study, though, did manage to take the extra step and look into the broader reach of gaming itself; finding that the behavior problems, lower grades, and poor social skills all seemed to revolve around people who could/would not stop playing any video game.  The study states that it is unsure if the researched gravitate towards the games or if the gaming causes it.  Here is an idea, if you lack the self-control to hang out with friends, do your homework, study for a test, or desire to be in school, you might have some kind of issues to begin with.

Source: Physicians News

Study Finds Zombies Impossible, Vampires Real

Fans of the living dead brain eaters should take another look at their past time, as science has recently proven that things rising up from the dead to attack the living is not only impossible but is also stupid.  The study was conducted over the last five years and scientists and their interns claim that, “[they] have tried just about everything to make this corpse eat our flesh, it just ain’t biting though.”  Fans of Dracula should rejoice, because through their mainly experiment they seemed to have found out how to become a Vampire.

“The off-shoot of the Vampire research was just something that blew our minds; it wasn’t even anything we did.  It turns out that lasers fired at the correct frequency annoy them greatly, we wouldn’t have known if a group of them hadn’t come into the lab last week and asked us to stop.”  The last seven days of research has turned out that the Twilight series of books is the only correct one, as all vampires are super human creatures that have no disadvantage of being.

When the lead teenage boy was asked why they haven’t bestowed the gift on more people he simply replied, “Because screw you, that is why.  Isn’t it enough that you know lasers are passingly almost annoying to us?  That is all we had left after the amazing movie Breaking Dawn.”

Source: April Edition