Screw You Azure Dreams

Day 1:

The game starts with an angel saying some rather nasty things about how lazy I am and trying to hurry me while I pick my name out so I can be born.  It is a little odd because I don’t really think that this guy has anything else to do besides hang around and make sure I don’t name myself Babieater or something crazy, although he is just probably running late and trying to hurry me so that he doesn’t look bad to his boss.  Great, God decided that I really needed a jerk as a guardian angel.

Quickly after there are a series of scenes showing the main characters birth, his father’s death exploring a tower, and some random angry chick doing elbow drops on the player character.  I don’t think that I mentioned that the place he calls home is also a hut with a dirt floor that oddly only has one bed, for all three people that live there, even when upgraded.

Most of the gameplay is basic rouge-like, not that super interesting.  What is interesting is the fact that not a single person in the town seems to be able to do anything at all for themselves.  I played the game for about an hour and was able to upgrade the starting house and the town temple.  That is within an hour of play, my character has managed to go from deathly poverty to a nice home and start improving the town.  Also you seemingly get warped outside if you die in the tower.  I have no idea why more people don’t go in to simply gather treasure and improve their place in life, it doesn’t seem like it would be that hard for most of the people in this place to go from eating dirt to something with flavor.

Day 2:

Besides named characters there are exactly three character models in the game:  women, thin/younger men, and warrior/fat guys.  It is kind of annoying because after about the third adventure into the tower, when the game gets kind of boring, the real driving factor of the game is to explore the town.  It gets super bad when everyone seems to be exactly the same person, only in a slightly less effect spot in town.

Speaking of the town, since it seems like I am the only person with the drive to make the place not a terrible rat-infested hole where Britain would be ashamed to send their criminals; and the only one in the world willing to pay hundreds of thousands of gold to build and upgrade pretty much everything.  This wouldn’t be nearly as annoying as the areas that do get built, which I paid for, give me exactly no money back for building them.  Since building crap is really the only thing you can do with money in the game it is kind of forced on me, but not willfully.

Day 3:

Almost five hours into the game, which feels more like trying to overachieve and failing then anything, and I am starting to notice the small things that the game does that are really driving me insane.  Selecting a pet, the only thing that retains levels inside of the dungeon and make the game even playable, is a five button press process—which means that you go through several menus just to pick one monster and make sure that you want that monster.

The game continually asks if I want to quit the game after finishing a level in the random tower.  Almost like it knows how bad it is and wants me to quit, and it becomes harder ever time not to.  It also manages to default to “yes” which, again, seems like it wants me to quit.  Harder every time to say no.

Day 4:

Finally managed to hit the area of the game where it starts to get even mildly interesting.  Finally getting some of the options to date people as well as having some of the weirder options in the game starting to open up, like having more than one monster on my team at a time (and another five button presses to select a second monster).  Glad that this only took me about six hours before I even started to care about the choices I was making the game, most of them aren’t even that interesting.

On a side note, I am only allowed to carry five items into the tower with me.  This means that the two pets I can now have, a shield and sword so I don’t die on the first level, and a wind crystal to escape when things go badly.  Weapons can be leveled up, and I have the items to do it but I don’t have the room in the inventory to carry them in.  This means that every time I have a handful of powder to make my sword/shield better I have to make a special trip in with three of them, that item and a way out– that is just to level it up a very small amount.  What where the people who made this game thinking.

Thankfully tomorrow is the last day.

Day 5:

The day started off great when someone decided that they should punch me for not knowing my lines during a comedy play.  Kind of odd because the request came literal moments before being rushed on the stage with the explanation that I shouldn’t worry too much about screwing up my lines.  Interesting that resulted in my character being knocked out and basically losing the event.  Odd though that people still act this way even after building the structures that they seem to abuse me in.

The rival character is going after the main character’s childhood sweetheart.  I kind of think that this is awesome because I am going after his sister, and from what I gather very close to sleeping with her.  Sort of have the feeling that I am coming out ahead in this because his sister is insanely rich and the main character’s friend is ugly and as annoying as the “Rent is too damn high,” guy.  I totally wish that the game would let you follow through scenarios like this till the end, where that jerk to constantly challenges me in the tower would get body slammed awake daily and I could take baths in gold and jewels while his sister washes me with her naughty bits.

Turns out that I kind of hate the way that the game makes all of the women of the game think that the main character is just naturally an uncultured jerk who is going to run out on all bills and likes to kill children.  When I played the game ten years ago I thought it was charming, probably because the concept of every woman in town falling for me worked for an angst-riddled teen.  Now all I really want to happen is to never upgrade anything in the town, save every penny that I find in the tower, and set the entire place ablaze when I finally gather all of the treasure that is possible to move under any means.

This town is filled with nothing more then selfish statues that require outside assistance to drool on themselves.  The only time that anyone is ever nice is when you either get something from deep within the tower for them so their inability to do basic things isn’t revealed, or spend so much money at their store that they probably have a money pit that Scrooge McDuck would think was a little much at their house .  I hope the tower doors open and release every monster to feast on the flesh of the people and torture them in such a way that they wish to be sent to hell.

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Melting faces off with a kind of awesome high rocking power that can only be described through Monster Trucks since 2003. Going through the continuing effort to create new, better, more interesting and joke-funnying content the entire time. I own the site. I know, hard to believe