Man Shoots Bird—Hits Woman Instead

The more that I think about this story the more I don’t really know what side to take, sadly I think the judge felt about the same:

A man walked into his backyard to shoot a bird that had been harassing his cat, even though that normally happens the other way, takes aim and fires.  Moments later he starts to hear a woman, “moaning in pain,” from where the bird was; turns out that the bird was a woman’s head and her insane hair.  Stay with me before you start to ask questions, because it gets better.

The man was barred from owning a gun because of previous “issues,” because, you know, in Colorado that is kind of the worst thing that they can do to you to make you “think about what you did.”  But it turns out that the woman that was shot was intoxicated at the time, and there was also a bag of meth right next to her, she later fled the state.  All charges, besides having a gun when he wasn’t supposed to, have been dropped.

I think Lewis Black had a story about being in an IHOP and having someone say, “If it wasn’t for my horse I wouldn’t have spent that year in college” and how it drove him insane.  This is a story about a punk, whose hair has been harassing a cat and gets shot, the shooter is basically told not to do it again.  What?!?

Source: upi.com

Kim Jong Il –Inventor of Hamburger— Alive and Well

The mighty leader of men, a person who can do now wrong in his life and inventor of many things that we love around our everyday lives, is alive and well despite rumors of his death.  Mr. Il, or Mighty Awesome Fighting Leader as locals call him, is just as confused by his reported demise as those around him.  To quote him, “I just left my son in charge of some things while I took a small vacation to a couple of our favorite democratic friends and I start getting Facebook updates from people saying they are sorry to hear I died.  I like a joke as the next person, but my bank account was frozen too!”

The Mighty Kim has led his country, and many others, to unparalleled levels of prosperity and 0% unemployment rates.  While he might be willing to forgive the prankster for this slight I am not as willing.  Without him we would not be able to enjoy things like rainbows and the warmth of knowing that we are loved.  If he hadn’t called for people to understand the need for a prank I would find this person and Kim Jong Il punch him through a wall.

Source: April Edition

9 Year-Old Refuses to Go to Jury Duty

Sorry people of Massachusetts, you will not be able to count on Jacob Clark to be on your jury as he has better and more important things to do.  Oddly enough those include going to 4th grade and thinking that girls have some rare and infectious virus.   It turns out that the 9 year old simply cannot find time in his precious schedule for his service as an American.  Sorry Jacob, but you seem to be fully enjoying all of the things that we are giving you with our tax dollars—you think that just because you are underage you think all you have to worry about is how hard multiplication tables and memorizing state capitals is—it is time that you did something for the community that brought you up.

It is people like Jacob that are causing an issue in America.  Speaking as a former Census worker I find it terrible that he thinks he can put in a fake birthdate of 1982 (also known as the best year ever) and pretend that he can just not follow through with everything that comes with that responsibility.  Think about it Jacob, how cool would you be going back to all of your friends knowing that you help put a man to death and also had your first beer seeing as you are now 29 years old in the states eyes.

Source:  NY Daily News