New Zealand Woman’s Death Blamed On Excessive Soda Drinking

In February 2010, a 30 year old New Zealand woman passed away from a heart attack. However, experts are starting to blame her death on her 2 gallon a day habit of drinking Coca-Cola. Information from a pathologist has indicated that the woman was suffering from low potassium and had toxic levels of caffeine in her body when she died, both of which can be caused by drinking massive amounts of soda.

Representatives from the Coca-Cola Company have made this comment about the situation: “We concur with the information shared by the coroner’s office that the grossly excessive ingestion of any food product, including water, over a short period of time with the inadequate consumption of essential nutrients, and the failure to seek appropriate medical intervention when needed, can be dramatically symptomatic.” It should also be noted that this woman’s partner has said that she also ate very little and smoked about 30 cigarettes a day. The lesson of the day: Soda and smoking are not a good substitute for a proper diet.


Ted Nugent Can’t Stop Saying Crazy Things

In a recent interview on Dana Loesch’s conservative radio show, guitarist/gun enthusiast Ted Nugent defends statements he made about Barack Obama during an NRA meeting that has him in trouble with the Secret Service.  Nugent makes silly remarks on the radio show, saying that he is “a black Jew at a Nazi-Klan rally.” My favorite part of the radio show is a little over ten minutes in, where Ted says this: “If you’ve got a problem with Ted Nugent, you are weird, because I REEK of truth.”

The best part about this radio show is that it sounds like something that would play on the parody talk radio in the Grand Theft Auto games.  The back and forth between borderline insane Nugent and enthusiastic host  Loesch praising his every word makes this radio show pure comedy gold.  Hit the link below and listen to the show for some good laughs.


Arizona Uses The Banhammer Against Your Freedom To Troll Online

Arizona just can’t resist writing insane legislature that violates the rights of others.  After getting butt hurt about not being able to randomly arrest immigrants they have decided the next best thing would be to violate basic freedom of speech.  A new telecommunication harassment bill awaiting approval from the state governor wants to do just that.

Part of the bill reads like this:

“It is unlawful for any person, with intent to terrify, intimidate, threaten, harass, annoy or offend, to use a ANY ELECTRONIC OR DIGITAL DEVICE and use any obscene, lewd or profane language or suggest any lewd or lascivious act, or threaten to inflict physical harm to the person or property of any person.”

Notice how the wording of this is so broad that this makes just about any argument on the internet an arrestable offense, and it certainly outlaws trolling.  It turns out violating this law comes with a Class 1 Misdemeanor charge, which can become six months in jail and a $2500 fine- ouch!

How on Earth did the state legislature come up with such a stupid law?  Did a senator get trolled on 4Chan and vow revenge?  Are Arizona lawmakers upset that the cries for help they post on forums are only replied to with phrases like “U MAD?”  Do they not enjoy the LULZ?  Are they unable to understand reverse-trolling?  Fortunately this law will probably be taken down immediately by the Supreme Court, because of that whole “Bill Of Rights” thing lawmakers seem to hate so much.


The Pirate Bay Makes Insane Proposal To Take To The Skies

The Pirate Bay, perhaps one of the most infamous websites on the internet, has recently made a proposal that is both insane and awesome at the same time.  In a world where governments and corporations will stop at nothing to shut them down, they have decided to take the Pirate Bay operation to a harder place to reach–the sky.  The Pirate Bay is hoping to one day host part of its site using flying drones in the skies above international waters.

Several tech news sites have questioned whether or not these claims by the Pirate Bay are valid, yet the possibly rum-infused web pirates insist they are serious.  “We’re already the most resilient and the most down to earth. That’s why we need to lift off, being this connected to the ground doesn’t feel appropriate to us anymore,” is what the Pirate Bay told a reporter from  Members of the piracy website continue to ramble on about future plans, making themselves seem even more crazy with this line: “When the time comes we will host in all parts of the galaxy, being true to our slogan of being the galaxy’s most resilient system. And all of the parts we’ll use to build that system on will be downloadable.”  That’s right folks, the Pirate Bay not only wants to be sky pirates, they also are striving to one day become space pirates.


The Chulip Experiment: Part 1

There are rare instances in life where you find something so insane, so against the reasoning that man has fought thousands of years to build a civilization around that it simply must be observed and documented.  It is like watching a turkey, which is on fire, fly on wings made of music to fight the forces of Communism’s mothers.  If that could take the form of a game it would be Chulip, and it would be about a young boy who has to travel through a town filled with Japanese nightmares kissing them as he goes.

I have decided that I must make every effort possible to chronicle this unreason, and play it till completion or until I simply go insane and start writing on my wall in feces.

Chulip starts with a nice little scene where a boy manages to name himself in front of a faced/talking tree.  A girl suddenly shows up and he is forced to name her as well.  Their master and possibly divine ruler commands them to kiss, and as two that fear for their lives and anything that has the face of a human and a body of a large oak tree, they do.

Now this ends up all being a dream, oddly not the tree thing because that is real, but the young boy –who I named after myself– and his dream girl kissing were not.  It seems that he and his father are so poor that they had to move to the country so the old man could do nothing besides command his son around to catch as many strains of STDs passed through kissing as possible. I guess the only logical choice that faced this poor child is to slowly work his way up the social ladder and kiss everything that he comes into contact with.

Kissing everything is a rather tall order too, because it can seemingly range from people of the town to literal monsters.  The first thing that this poor, tortured boy is even allowed to kiss is some kind of human/onion hybrid that is so despised by the other mutants in the area–that already live in the sewers– that she is forced to live in the ground below their homes in some kind of Upper Mantle riddled shame.  Either these sewer people are making fun of this small child and his poverty or they are testing him for what comes next.

Normally I would comment about how this entire experience is like a fever dream riddle with the world’s strongest and most dangerous hallucinogens, but I think that it may be more important to worry about the sanity of the people who made this game instead.  At the start of the game, for a long enough time that several hours into it I am still in this section, the only people that the human child is allowed to kiss are the many abominations that walk the streets–which clearly doesn’t come from a healthy mind– and the only person that the is able to hand out love advise, instead of a parent, is the human head on two legs with a paintbrush on top.

So either this is social commentary on how the poor are treated when they move into a new area, the child’s only source of income is digging through trashcans to find what others have thrown away (and this town oddly throws a lot of poop and frying pans away), or it is about how a young adolescent mind can snap when he is transported to a new area–possibly because a girl who he has fallen in love with rejects him– and how he must climb his way back to sanity.  I would defend this, although I am sure that the game is just insane instead of trying to mean something, by saying something along the lines that the boy and his father are the only normal looking ones and that the boy has to make contact with the most odd looking outcasts that he can find to work his way up the social ladder to prove his worth and once again regain his sanity.

Also there is a man in gimp clothing tied to the roof in the hospital that gives yoga lessons in the evening.

Trying to give this game a meaning is pretty pointless, unless the lesson is that earning the right to make out with a train conductor allows you to ride the rails for free.  If children in America go through the phases in High School where they draw dicks on things to make them funny the Japanese go through that same thing, but instead they try to use their drawings to make grown men cry in fear. The gameplay itself is some odd experiment in punishment as the core mechanics aren’t every really explained and need to be learned from dying repeatedly.

Every creature that is kissed in the game is some kind of messed up and deformed Rubix cube, and while some of them only really require knowing where to find them and the loops that need to be jumped through to kiss monsters others only appear at a very certain time of day under specific conditions.  Even though it sounds like something a rapist would mutter under his breath, all of the targets normally end up being angry and must be approached slowly and wait for them to become calm before one can kiss them.

I guess it turns out that most of these underworld mutants are the local teachers, only most of them have all left their jobs or stopped going because they weren’t getting paid due to lack of students.  From what I gather the head with a paintbrush on it is the President or Principal or something, and the telephone pole with a face is possibly one of the teachers that hasn’t been paid in a while.  This lack of funds causes him to steal a letter writing set that was promised to our hero, although only if his heart could become strong enough to use it– which I think is supposed to only happen at the end of the game so it doesn’t really affect him for a while.

Oh, turns out that no one in the town and solve their own issues.  Guess this poor, mistreated, malnourished boy is going to go taking train rides with strangers with garbage pail heads to help out.  What is it with Japan and endangering their youth?

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