Review: Chronicles of Vampires: Origins

Don't look at her tits, don't look at her tits...

There were two great mysteries in my life as a child, what jerk of a mother allowed their off spring to circle all of the items in the image find in Highlights in the doctor’s office, and why wasn’t that magazine offered to normal people who weren’t under an oath more awesome and legally binding than the Green Lanterns.  At some point during my search for answers the image find section seemed to have found a life of its own, because I guess saying “I have lost my shoe in this room full of fish,” and then gauging other person’s response is no longer how you decide if someone is sane enough to stand trial.

Aside from handsome

The game is held together, loosely, by a series of in game dialogs that are supposed to explain why I am trying to find one non-descript purse in an apartment just full of purse like objects.  These rooms, of course, come with a list of objects that you are supposed to be looking for—while ignoring the more troubling signs of both neglect and possible mental health issues of whatever environment that they are in (who even uses CDs anymore and why is every TV just left on “static” by default). The game calmly asks me to get the character ready for her investigation while asking for things like a laptop and then a towel, I don’t know many people that need a towel when they are about to go gallivanting around the world chasing international museum thieves, but I am pretty sure the list was written by Douglas Adams.

1star alone
Insert random grumble here

It isn’t that everything in the game is bad, it was interesting to see load times in a downloadable game with simple graphics and almost no sound, and the way that the main character constantly looks surprised by everything that is happening at any given moment in the game is—not charming—depressingly amusing.  There is hope, though, as a direct story based sequel to this game has been released to the same e-shop—possibly of hopes of fixing all of the short falls of this title.  There may be hope at the end of the road, fans of this odd genre.

Study Finds Zombies Impossible, Vampires Real

Fans of the living dead brain eaters should take another look at their past time, as science has recently proven that things rising up from the dead to attack the living is not only impossible but is also stupid.  The study was conducted over the last five years and scientists and their interns claim that, “[they] have tried just about everything to make this corpse eat our flesh, it just ain’t biting though.”  Fans of Dracula should rejoice, because through their mainly experiment they seemed to have found out how to become a Vampire.

“The off-shoot of the Vampire research was just something that blew our minds; it wasn’t even anything we did.  It turns out that lasers fired at the correct frequency annoy them greatly, we wouldn’t have known if a group of them hadn’t come into the lab last week and asked us to stop.”  The last seven days of research has turned out that the Twilight series of books is the only correct one, as all vampires are super human creatures that have no disadvantage of being.

When the lead teenage boy was asked why they haven’t bestowed the gift on more people he simply replied, “Because screw you, that is why.  Isn’t it enough that you know lasers are passingly almost annoying to us?  That is all we had left after the amazing movie Breaking Dawn.”

Source: April Edition